Difficulties and Benefits Of Relationship Cutoff From A Parent

children of divorce

This most primary human dynamic does not always function as ideally as we’d wish.

Some people who become parents are too emotionally insecure or unwilling to fully love their child.

In light of the fact that the responsibility of parenthood cannot be given back, there are countless ways in which a parent who prefers to not be one, fails to lovingly engage with their child.

Years of disappointment from not being a fulfilling priority in their parents’ lives creates its own container of longing, sadness and pain for a child.

Additionally, and usually more difficult to notice is the effect on self-definition which many people who were insufficiently accepted and loved by a parent have within them.

In the typical absorption and integration of a parent’s self and life attitudes into themselves, a child will include the parent’s unsettled feelings about parenthood and towards the child.

Instead of self-acceptance and confidence, the child of a parent who is emotionally uninterested in them, has interrupted and delayed self-love because they assume their parent’s disinterest, fright, disapproval, into themselves.

If my mother didn’t want to be a mother, felt pressured to marry and have children, emotionally avoided me and placed as many pets and projects ahead of appreciating me, then accepting and integrating her premise that I am merely an ever-present obligation, essentially means diminished self-respect and self-love of myself.

As a grown person my choices in self-talk are avoiding any deep emotions from fear I’ll be validated as awful as my childhood mind understood of my mother’s emotional shunning of me.

Or, I can start a conversation with my actual mother on my truth as to how burdened and insecure I felt from trying to change myself to be more lovable in her eyes, and always falling short.

If she is empathetic and faces the effects on me of how she parented, we have open territory to build a loving relationship.

If her heart and mind are shut, I hear only excuses of herself and criticism of me, then the question of why I’d want a relationship based on hearing what was and still is unfair to me, is on the table.

The conclusion which you are able to most peaceably live with, will be the best one for you!

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About Sherry Katz

Sherry Katz, LCSW is primarily a couples therapist who counsels partners and individuals of all adult ages, in relieving tension and unhappiness in their relationships. The spectrum of care in her practice includes recuperating from infidelity, clarifying and strengthening trust and communication, restoring and developing common ground for a relationship. Ms. Katz has a secondary practice interest in helping family members align themselves in response to caring for elderly parents, especially a parent who has Alzheimer's Disease.Old Stories, New Views Family Therapy

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